Guilt is the Last Tie There Is
by Robotic Fox
Summary: Post Last Hope. The battle with the Dark Forest has happened moons ago and the cats of ThunderClan have slowly but surely been moving on. But for Ivypool and Jayfeather both, there is one last minor battle the two must face together before the battle could be truly considered over.


Ivypool woke up to sunlight dappling her face. Squinting at the unexpected light, she looked up and around the den, surprised to see that she was all by herself in the warriors den. A weird foreboding sensation came over to her. She had always been the first one to wake up in the morning, seeing as her rather violent dreams with the wretched cats of the Dark Forest jolted her awake. But tonight, her dreams hadn't been plagued by them for once. Why? And then it all came back to her.

The battle. She could still hear the loud screeches of violently warring cats, still see the blood on the ground, could still see the corpses of those who she knew, both in the Dark Forest and in the mortal world. A pang of fear hit her and she felt her heartbeat quicken, so she immediately been licking the stray tendrils of moss off her pelt to calm herself. The battle with the Dark Forest had happened two moons ago. It was done. She would never have to worry about dreams with Hawkfrost anymore or constantly fearing her Clanmates protection. She was safe and she could live a normal life. She snorted a little at amusement. Back when she was an apprentice, she would've sacrificed one of her legs to have an abnormal life or to be a special flower like her littermate, Dovewing. And now, here she was glad that things were back to normal. Oh how the times changed she supposed.

Sitting up now to inspect the rest of her pelt, she began murmuring, "The battle was over moons ago, you mouse-brain. Now calm down and stop acting like a scared little kit. It's all over now."

But even with those words of support, why did she feel so stricken with guilt and terror. The pathetic thing was she already knew the answer to that question, but she was just trying to avoid it. The thought was toying at the edge of her mind, but she quickly pushed it back. What was done was done. She couldn't change time and couldn't change what was in the past, so why worry about it. So will the metaphorical rock lodged in her chest just drop out of her chest?

Shaking her pelt with a huff, she crept out of the den, a small smile coming on her face coming to her face as she watched her Clanmates milling around the camp. It was amazing how many things could change in just a couple of moons. Amberpaw, Dewpaw, and Snowpaw were loudly bickering with one another over whose duty it technically was to clean the elders of ticks, some swipes coming into play. Ivypool rolled her eyes at the sight of them. She swore, the brats acted like they had just come out of the nursery. She remembered when the rowdy apprentices had been nothing more than little fleas by their mother's stomach during the battle. And now, here they were, training to be warriors. Amazing. Ivypool hoped she and Dovewing hadn't been that obnoxious as apprentices.

Replacing the three in the nursery now were Lionblaze and Cinderheart's kits, Olivekit and Petalkit, both healthy she-cats. They had been born only a few days ago, so they were still cuddled next to their mother's belly and their eyes were still sealed tight. Ivypool was excited for when their eyes would open though and they could move around. They were both adorable.

Ivypool absently wondered if she ever wanted to become a mother. She never had the time to really look for a mate back when she was spying in the Dark Forest. Her last crush she could even remember having had been for Hawkfrost, but that was way back in the past. The very thought of that made her pelt prickle slightly with disgust. The point was, she hadn't been looking for toms lately. She wondered if she should. Then she realized she didn't really care. She would let life go on and if a mate came along later, well, then good for her.

Besides, seeing as Cinderheart had extreme cabin-fever in the den and Lionblaze, who last time Ivypool remembered him, used to be a strong and proud tom was being reduced to a worrywart, constantly asking Cinderheart if she needed anything and hovering over the kits like a watchful hawk. It kind of made Ivypool want to roll her eyes. She made a vow that if she had a mate, she would make sure that he was not that lovey-dovey if she happened to have kits. She needed some independence.

Bramblestar and Squirrelflight ran the Clan to the best of their abilities. Bramblestar had natural leadership abilities in him and Squirrelflight was so full of energy, she was able to move around the Clan and set up patrols and keep track of everything in a nice, timely fashion. Ivypool admittedly, missed Firestar to death, but she felt safe under Bramblestar and Squirrelflight's rule.

Purdy was not lonely in the elders den anymore. Sandstorm and Dustpelt about a moon ago had decided to retire to the elders den, both of them saying they had lived a full life as warriors, and they were ready to rest until the end of their days, but they would be as helpful as possible. To say the least, Purdy was delighted to have some new companions and even from here, Ivypool could hear chatting off their ears with some story he had probably told them a billion times already. Purdy, with his old age, was starting to become a lot more forgetful, often forgetting whether or not he had told someone something, but he was still full of energy and Ivypool knew he still had a couple of moons on him before he would even consider joining the ranks of StarClan.

Yes, everything seemed to be like ordinary Clan life. Patrols were made, cats gossiped with one another, apprentices bickered, the medicine cat worked (at least, she thought Jayfeather was. She couldn't see, seeing as he was currently holed up in his den, presumably with Briarlight). Everything seemed to function normally. So why was she still so bothered?

Okay, again, she knew, but it wasn't like she wanted to confront it. She had been satisfied trying to dodge the problem, seeing as she didn't want to face the problem in fear she would wretch if she did. But after a full moon of a heavy heart and unexplainable illness, Ivypool was beginning to wonder if she could really keep on doing this.

She remembered vaguely a couple of day ago, she had been sharing a mouse with her mother, Whitewing, the two of them idly chatting about random comings and goings of the Clan life, when all of a sudden, she felt her mother rasping her tongue over her head like she had always done when she was a kit and proudly mew about how mature Ivypool had grown.

At the time, Ivypool had been more embarrassed at the fact that her mother was treating her like a kit once more and had shied away from that attentive tongue. But now that she thought about it, what her mother had said, about her being mature… and she wondered if that could even be considered true. Sure, Ivypool didn't consider herself someone who ran purely on whims… but she had made stupid choices in the past. She had let her jealousy towards her own sister get her fooled into forming an alliance with the cats of the Dark Forest (granted, she originally thought Hawkfrost had been from StarClan, but whatever). She had let anger get the best of her sometimes and she knew she didn't always put the best foot forward when it came to others. She tried, granted. But sometimes it was hard.

And even now, would a mature cat really be trying to dodge their own emotions like this? She nipped at an imaginary flea to vent her frustration out before deciding to finally face it like a true warrior. She couldn't keep hiding… and besides, she didn't have anything else to do, seeing as she slept through a good chunk of the day.

But dear StarClan, this was going to be hard.

These were the moments where Ivypool wished she had been born like Jayfeather, Dovewing, or Lionblaze. She wished she had some kind of mind power where she could project images into the cats she needed to talk to heads, therefore making it so she didn't have to speak to them in public. That would be helpful. It would certainly be useful now.

But of course not. She was not destined to be with these kinds of powers, so she was just going to have to face it like any other cat.

Taking a deep breath through her nose and puffing out her chest a little, she padded past the nearly empty fresh-kill, deciding that breakfast would not be a good idea seeing as her stomach was twinging painfully and made her way to the medicine cat den. As she approached the entrance of the den, a strong part of her began hoping that Jayfeather wouldn't be in there. That he would be out in the woods somewhere, scrounging up some herbs by himself, giving her the excuse to not do this right now.

It wouldn't be her fault right if he wasn't there? It would just be a coincidence that she couldn't stop. No, in fact, it was more than that. It was a sign she shouldn't even have to tell at all. Yeah… that's right.

But as Ivypool slid through the entrance of the den, she was a little disappointed to see Jayfeather idly pawing at a pile of poppy seeds delicately, trying to organize them all in a neat little stack without getting a zillion of the little seeds stuck on the pad of his foot. The minute she came in though, he looked up from his work, gazing at her almost directly with sightless blue eyes as he said, "What do you need? Last time I checked, you weren't injured with something, and I heard Dovewing chattering with Bumblestripe that you've been knocked out cold all morning… Great StarClan, she is loud when she is with that tom, I swear…"

Ivypool felt heat spread through her fur despite it all. Stupid Dovewing…

Despite her dislike of her sister gossiping about her with her possible mate (?), she knew there was a bigger task on hand. Looking down at her paws, she mewed, "May… I talk to you for a bit, Jayfeather, in private? I would ask Lionblaze to come, but uh… he's been a little attached to the kits at the moment, so you're kind of the only cat I can talk to about this…"

She realized that she was basically rambling and stalling at this point, but the words were spilling out and she wasn't going to stop them. If she stopped now, she was going to get mouse-hearted and scurry out of the den before getting to the actual meat of the conversation.

"Go ahead and tell me here! Do you see anyone else in this den with me?" Jayfeather snapped prickly, causing Ivypool to fluff up a little with annoyance. She swore, the older Jayfeather got the grouchier he became.

"What about Briarlight? She might come in here." Ivypool suggested, flicking her ear. Jayfeather shook his head.

"She's been helping Cinderheart all day with the kits. She says it gives her something to do. Personally, I think she just wants an excuse to talk to Cinderheart, but whatever. Better than listening her complain that she is bored…" Jayfeather muttered, once more tapping at the pile of poppy seeds. "So tell me what you need."

Ivypool nodded before realizing with frustration that he wouldn't be able to see it. Oh well. Might as well just get to the point. "It's… about Hollyleaf, Jayfeather."

Jayfeather immediately shot up at that, like the very mentioning of the name stung him like a bee. She saw the grey fur of his shoulders prickle a little with what seemed like apprehension as he asked in stiff, calm voice, "What about her? Is she visiting your dreams now, Ivypool? If she is, I suppose StarClan sending you messages is better than the Dark Forest…"

"No, it's not like that." Ivypool mewed immediately. "I've been sleeping without dead cats seeing me, thankfully."

"Then why did you bring her up?" Jayfeather asked, the tip of his tail flitting around a little. His voice was still stiff and Ivypool was aware she was beginning to pad on thin ice. She knew that Jayfeather had taken the death of his sister especially hard and he probably had been getting used once more on getting by without her. Ivypool couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose Dovewing, not to mention twice. Hollyleaf had only gotten to stay with all of them for a few moons before she was once again stripped away from ThunderClan, only this time for good. This was another reason why she had prolonged such a meeting. Whether she was talking to Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Squirrelflight, Bramblestar, or Leafpool, she was going to inflict bad memories and feelings on them.

But she needed closure. And she was pretty sure all of them needed it too. So she continued.

She was silent for a few seconds, her eyes clenched as she worked up the nerve to say what she was going to say, her chest quivering, her heart pounding against her ribcage. Then, opening them once more, she mewed harshly, "I wanted to apologize to you. I know this will never make up for it… and I don't expect it too. I am the reason Hollyleaf died. I may have not directly killed her… but I was the cause… and… I…"

She swallowed. The words were becoming harder and harder to spit out as she went on, like they were covered with spikes and slashing open her throat. But she needed to finish this. For her sake and Jayfeather's. She needed him to know. She needed to hear herself say it.

"I'm sorry… and I do not blame you if you hate me. Hollyleaf was saving me from Hawkfrost when she was killed. I was the one who was supposed to die." She shivered slightly at the memory. Hawkfrost's big, blue eyes which had once only held pride, suspicion, and ruthlessness towards her had been alight with pure animosity. It was like staring into flickers of blue fire. He had already been tearing into her with all of his strength, trying to make sure she paid for ever betraying him and the Dark Forest. And he wasn't alone. Snowtuft and Thistleclaw were also getting a few scratches in themselves… bloodlust in their eyes.

The memories were a bit fuzzy… she didn't exactly see any images as she had been too busy frantically struggling for freedom, trying to disarm all those around her off of her. But she remembered all the sensations. She remembered the sensation of sharp claws tearing off strips of skin and fur off of her. Remembered feeling the heat of a bunch of furred bodies trying to knock her down on the ground to perform the finishing move. Pain was all around as they bit and scratched. Their screeches and snarls were the only thing filling her ear, along with the heavy pound of her own heartbeat booming in her ears. The hopelessness, the smell of blood- hers and theirs- intermingling with one another. Hearing someone knock into them… seeing a black pelt amongst the crowd. Seeing Hollyleaf begin to fight off the horde… and then watching her get her throat slashed open right in front of her. The sight of Hollyleaf's knees trembling before falling heavily.

And it had all been for her…

She clenched her teeth and trembled a little, her claws springing out of her paws involuntarily. These were the memories and words she had been fighting so hard to fight ever since the battle. And now they were coming out, and they were almost as violent. She wished she could kind of run away at this point, but she had made a commitment now, and she was going to stand her ground. Steeling her resolve, she bravely shot her eyes up to look directly at Jayfeather's misted blue ones.

A silence thick and heavy sat in the air for a while, neither cat daring to say anything. The only movement that could be seen was the occasional sweep of their tails, but other than that nothing.

Ivypool almost considered then to just leave, thinking that Jayfeather was either too mad at her to speak or just didn't have anything to say at all and was simply waiting for her to leave. But then he sighed, deflating like all the air had left his body. He was looking down at the ground, ears bent slightly downwards, whiskers drooping. Ivypool always knew Jayfeather was small, but he almost looked scrawny all sunken down like this… and so tired, like he hadn't slept in moons.

After a while, he said in a raspy voice, "I am not mad at you about Hollyleaf, Ivypool, and I can tell you with all my heart neither is Lionblaze. You were absolutely panicking when she got dragged into camp after all, trying to search for me. You obviously cared. She chose to save you on her own accord… there was nothing you could've done in the situation. It was a bloody battle and cats were going to die. You, Lionblaze, Firestar, and I all knew this. And I am sure she did too. But she went down fighting like a warrior protecting her Clanmates. I may not be a warrior, but isn't that the ultimate point of being a warrior in the grand scheme of things? Putting your own life on the line to save your Clanmates from any danger that may befall them?"

Ivypool nodded, "Yes, but no one wants to be the Clanmates that makes the other Clanmate die…"

"Duly noted." Jayfeather said with a swish of his tail. Standing up, his gaze turned steely as he said, "Ivypool. We all have regrets when it comes to Hollyleaf…Squirrelflight, Bramblestar, Lionblaze, and everyone else."

"Even you?" Ivypool asked with a cock of her head. What did Jayfeather have to regret with his sister? Was he referring to the time when she darted into the tunnels? Was he referring to the fact that he couldn't save her in the battle with the Dark Forest?

"Yes. Even me." Jayfeather said. "I wasn't exactly pleasant with her when she came back. I didn't really treat her as I should've."

"What do you mean?"

"I… I was angry at her, admittedly. You see… when she had leapt into the tunnels, it wasn't like I missed the whole thing and it was just a thing I heard in passing. No. Lionblaze and I were there. I heard her say what sounded like final words as she went in the tunnels… and I had already had a foreboding sense. I felt like it wasn't going to end up pretty. She was scared after all… and the tunnels were not stable. And then I had heard the sound of her screech and could hear the tunnel crumbling inward. I had tried to leap for her… but Lionblaze pulled me out before I became squashed…"

Ivypool twitched her whiskers with thought, looking down at the ground now, her gaze suddenly fascinated with a stray ant that was aimlessly wandering around the dirt of the den. She couldn't even imagine seeing her sister trapped down in those tunnels. She had experienced the inside of the tunnels firsthand after all. She remembered the stuffiness and claustrophobic walls… the constant fear that the ceiling was going to bury you under. The moistness and the smell of mold constantly in the air. The fact that it was so dark that seeing was a challenge all by itself. The Dark Forest had only been slightly darker than those stupid tunnels… and that was saying a lot. She imagined her sister being crushed by the walls of the caves or being forever trapped in that darkness, scared and alone until a flood came… and she shivered. She would never want to subject her sister to those foul tunnels. And if she had let her sister escape into them, she didn't know if she would be able to live with herself.

"And for a while, I went into a sort of depression over it." Jayfeather mewed emotionlessly, like he was just telling solid facts to a cat or something like that. "I felt personally responsible for her death. I used to admonish grieving cats that they can't think about the 'what ifs' because it would only make them feel worse. But even medicine cats aren't immune to everything…"

He shuffled his feet as he said, "I felt like I hadn't done enough. Like, I was the one who let her die. What if I had simply been faster? Could I have knocked her to the ground and ensured that she didn't run into those tunnels? What if I had talked to her beforehand? What if we discussed the issue of Ashfur more together? What if I had simply been there for her? It was hard. I felt responsible… and no matter how many times I searched StarClan, I could not find her… so then I had to live with the horrifying realization that she had winded up in the Dark Forest… it was a sad situation… but eventually I grew to accept it. Not fully, but somewhat, I guess. Enough to move on with life. After all, when you are destined by StarClan to be a special cat who saves the Clan, you are not allowed pity breaks… especially when you're the medicine cat. Comes with the job, really."

"So when I found out that she was alive… I… I felt mixed with my emotions, to be honest. I know how horrible that sounds, but it is true, unfortunately. Of course, I felt overjoyed that I had my sister back. What cat wouldn't? But… in there were smidgens of fear and anger. I didn't know how to feel. I mean, she had let Lionblaze, our Clanmates, and I believe she was dead for moons and moons. She hadn't been there for some of the battles we fought. She had let me be sad… and she had left without much stability in her brain. I didn't know what kind of mindset she was in at that point to be honest. I didn't know how fragile her feelings or mindset were. I didn't know if she do something drastic to Dovewing out mere jealousy for being part of the prophecy, as awful as that sounds. I just didn't know. So I had purposely excluded her from things…one, to save her being hurt, after all, seeing as she wanted to be part of the Three again… and two, for your sister's possible safety."

"We were so busy trying to discover the fourth cat and preparing for the Dark Forest… spending time with her had kind of been the last thing on my mind to be honest… and now she is dead…" Jayfeather said. "I can never apologize or make up for it again…"

"I'm sure she understands. I may have not known her long as you and Lionblaze did, but I could tell that she was a bright cat." Ivypool mewed immediately, her voice not wavering once. Deep in her heart, she knew Hollyleaf didn't blame Jayfeather for anything. She probably didn't even blame Ivypool, even though Ivypool felt she entirely deserved the blame. But… she felt this was a good thing for both her and Jayfeather. Already, her chest was feeling lighter and lighter… like she had just shed several pounds. "She knew that you were only doing what you thought was best."

Jayfeather paused for a moment at her words, before nodding stiffly and saying, "I know… and that is what makes it kind of worse."

Once more, the silence pervaded before finally Ivypool said, "Maybe the best way we can both move on from this is to do exactly this. Move on. Like I mentioned before… I didn't know Hollyleaf as well as you and Lionblaze did… but I could tell she cared about you two. That's why she stayed away all those moons, wasn't it? Because she felt like it was best? So maybe the best way we can repay her is to move on with our lives, live it as well as we can, and perhaps, once we place ourselves amongst the ranks of StarClan, we can owe the apologies she deserves to hear. I know I am just reiterating your earlier point… but, what other choice do we have? It won't be easy… but I think it's the best thing we can accomplish at this point."

Jayfeather stayed in thoughtful silence for a moment, before all of a sudden, a small smile breached his face as he said, "Sounds fair enough… yeah, I like that."

Ivypool perked up with pride at his words and was about to turn to leave, when Jayfeather said. "You are a bright cat, Ivypool. You remind me a lot of Hollyleaf herself, really… you will move to do great things in life."

Ivypool blinked in shock, her mouth gaped, before she hurriedly shut it and nodded. "That means a lot, Jayfeather, thank you. You are the best medicine cat ThunderClan could ever ask for."

And with that, she left his den. She didn't know what was going to happen next… if things were really going to go well for her like Jayfeather had predicted or not. She didn't know if Hollyleaf really would forgive her or if she was ever going to have a mate. She didn't know. She could never really have the answer. Not yet anyway.

So she did the only thing she could at that point. Move on.


End file.
